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Transition into True Love relationships
The Purpose of Relationship
Love is not possession. Over the festive period of 2010 I watched the 2007 movie, The Fox and the Child, which illustrated this concept perfectly, beautifully, and painfully. This was of course a story of a friendship, but the same principle applies also to family and romantic relationships. It is the latter that I want to focus on in this article.
When our souls incarnate into a new person, embarking on a new adventure in the hope for spiritual evolution, relationships are one of the key players for provoking and creating such spiritual growth. Relationships are so perfect for this purpose, precisely because they are so capable of bringing out the very qualities that take us furthest away from spiritual growth and enlightenment, and hence supporting the possibly of spiritual growth when we recognise and make that discernment. Relationships should only ever be seen as a Divine blessing – their true purpose when we see with the eye/I of Spirit – as should everything in existence for that matter, for everything is a tool for spiritual growth when our lens on reality is aligned with Truth.
Yet when we truly become identified with Spirit, relationships become more than instigators for spiritual growth, and much, much more than the experience we have of them when we are identified purely with ego. They become an experience of true happiness, honour, and unconditional love.
There comes a point in every person’s quest for true health and happiness, the journey of enlightenment, when an inner conflict arises regarding relationships, especially close ones. This is because again, as relationships are such key players in our growth, it is in this arena that any changes within us are seen with the most impact. The cause of such inner conflict arises when we begin to see the work of the ego in our relationships, and begin to desire only relationships that serve the soul. Enlightenment arises when the ego no longer leads our lives, but lives to serve the Soul. This is quite a transition to make even when both parties desire it equally!
‘Normal,’ Egoic Relationships
When we are identified with the ego, close relationships can be very painful. Your beloved ‘belongs’ to you, they are ‘yours’ and you similarly ‘theirs,’ and the created entity of the relationship takes priority over Who You Are, over your own purpose in this lifetime, over your own spiritual evolution and journey. You stop being true to yourself and want the other to not be true to themselves, ‘for the sake of the relationship,’ if either ego feels the slightest bit threatened. You think you’re being loving and romantic to promise your heart forever and say you belong to them, but then in the next instance you feel such vicious anger towards them, because this person that ‘belongs’ to you is flirting with another man or woman, or wants a bit of space, or basically isn’t doing what you want them to do. This is not love. This is the ego wanting to please itself.
When two people get into a relationship, and allow this relationship between them to take on it’s own life force and gain authority over both individuals’ lives, they have both lost the sacred promise of relationship, and lose out on the very thing they desire the most: unconditional love.
It is this attitude of ‘belonging’ and ownership that brings out such madness and pain. When the ‘relationship’ takes authority over both lives, and you and the other person ‘belong’ to each other, it is then easy to get upset every time your husband or boyfriend stares at a sexy woman, or your wife or girlfriend gets chatted up by an attractive man. It is easy to feel threatened when he or she decides to do something out of character that is just ‘for me,’ or betrayed when they ‘change.’ It is easy then to accuse them of being unloving, when in Truth, you are not being loving – to them or yourself. Inevitably, resentments, power struggles, lies and unproductive communication ensue, heading directly for unfulfillment.
Healthy True Love Relationships
To be Truly Loving – meaning to others and yourself, unconditionally with the goal always for the highest good – and to experience the beautiful promise of relationship in its evolved form, is to make no promises, except to always be and do the most Loving thing in each and every moment, for your souls, not your egos.
True Love is true because it’s truthful about what love is and isn’t. For instance, True Love recognises this moment as all that exists and therefore makes no promises about tomorrow. It recognises the Truth of impermanence and the cyclical nature of Reality and therefore the ‘relationship’ is structured on two people choosing to be together in this moment, now; that any moment either person can leave if their heart and soul is no longer fulfilled, and there will be no anger, no blame, no fighting, begging, manipulating, reproaching or mal-intent. For in being unconditionally loving, you only wish for the other, joy and peace, regardless of their relationship to you, and therefore if the other feels they can be more joyful and peaceful elsewhere, you recognise that them leaving is therefore the most Loving thing for both their soul and your soul.
In this kind of relationship, you always feel such happiness and gratitude, because you know that your partner is choosing to be with you every moment – out of choice, not out of an agreement, out of attachment, insecurity, obligation, because of a contract, out of fear, habit, or martyrdom. And therefore there is no reason not to trust them or to doubt their loyalty or love. This creates the space for joy and fulfilment, and a relationship that energises you, whereas usually such space is filled with negativity, like suspicion, expectation and doubt for instance, which creates an energy drain.
With such a healthy relationship, there is no sense of ownership or belonging or the desire to control or change the other. You recognise that being Loving is not about appeasing your own or the other’s ego and insecurities. You no longer seek the illusory attainment of being universally ‘right’ making the other person ‘wrong,’ no longer do something or don’t do something out of fear of the other’s judgement or reaction, or just to ‘please’ the other. So you no longer feel angry with the other, feel hurt or jealous or resentful. You recognise that this is all ego-led behaviour. You are free to be you, and they are free to be themselves. Neither of you would have it any other way. If he or she being him or herself somehow prevents or interferes with you being yourself, you naturally and lovingly leave him or her.
If for example you see them flirting with another, they are not betraying you – they are free to do what they like, and feeling an attraction towards other people is a natural human response, so you do not take it so seriously. If they choose to take it no further and return to you, then you are happy and grateful, for they still consciously choosing to be with you. If they choose to take it further with another, or have become ego-led through dishonest or disrespectful behaviour etc, you simply feel only compassion and lovingly leave yourself – that is if you are seeking monogamy.
Some people share partners of course, have open relationships or only seek very short-term relationships because they have recognised and accepted certain qualities of human nature and chosen to flow with it. People with this attitude have different boundaries of loyalty than those who value monogamy and can have equally loving and respectful relationships as those who seek monogamy. Yet even the latter, who may have a preference for a long-term relationship, will still, when soul-led, only live in the now, and never have expectations or make promises about the future, recognising the futility and self-deception of this.
To give a more thorough example, lets say that my partner wants to go somewhere or do something that is in alignment with who he really is and his purpose in life (rather than for egotistic pleasure lets say), and for some reason or another, this ignites my insecurities, for I am not fully enlightened yet, so I still have them! It could be that he has the opportunity to meet with an important person in the industry that his heart is truly in, yet he’d have to go away for a few weeks, or it would involve being in the company of beautiful women – you get the picture. Anyway, so I feel insecure, and my emotions - as triggered by my ego - don’t want him to go.
The most loving thing I could do for him is to let him go, support and encourage him even. Yet that is also the most loving thing to do towards myself. This is because even though in preventing him from going I would be reducing my suffering and therefore that would seem self-loving, the fact that it is fear that has dictated that action makes it the most unloving thing to do. It would be for the lowest good, not the highest good. In being ego-conscious, I would convince him and myself that not going is the most loving thing to do, because it is best for our ‘relationship.’
Yet we can never hide the truth from our hearts, for it is stored in our unconscious always, to furtively contaminate any chance of true happiness we may have with our partner. Fortunately as I am soul-conscious, I would let him go, understanding this as the loving thing for him and myself. I understand that Love when it is True, never interferes with another person’s True Purpose, and that Love when it is meant to be between two people, will never suffer when tested whilst two people are fulfilling their True Purposes. So I am happy to let him go, for if our being together is no longer enriching upon his return, then I am happy that we have discovered it and again it is the most loving thing for both to us to part. And I am equally happy to face the fears that have arisen for me, for in pursuing a life of joy and peace and love, I invite all my fears to show up so I may face and purify them so they no longer imprison and control me.
Respect
So with True Love, you see the beauty and sacredness of who the other is and the journey they are on, and would never seek to influence or alter it, unless you have permission from your higher self and their higher self. You see the beauty and sacredness of your own journey and who you are, and never change something out of fear of how it will affect the other or the ‘relationship.’
In this kind of relationship, there is immense respect and trust between you. Respect and trust and happiness and Love become the foundation of your relationship. You choose to be together every moment out of pure enjoyment of being together, out of pure respect for each other as individuals. Every moment you are spending quality time together it is filled with bliss, and every moment you are apart you feel gratitude and trust.
If one of you ever wants to leave the other, the communication is compassionate and honest, there is understanding and kindness – the unconditional love continues. There may be emotional pain, but you let go and allow it to be because you accept that this is how it is, and it is for the highest good and will lead only towards more Love – for yourself, and in the future with another.
Making the Transition in an Existing Relationship
The inner conflict in making this transition from an ego-based relationship to a soul-based relationship as referred to earlier arises more sharply when one partner sees the value in this but the other partner isn’t ready or interested and is still under the power of their ego. This can result in much tension within the individual seeking a change, and within the relationship, and it can be tempting to give-in in order to have what would seem to be a ‘peaceful’ life, when in Truth it is far from real and lasting peace.
If aligning yourself and therefore your life with Spiritual Truth and enlightenment is your primary goal, then you must simply play your part in the relationship in alignment with this Truth. Your partner may feel very threatened that their ego is not being placated anymore and the relationship is no longer the authority in your life, and therefore may accuse you of being unloving and selfish, and may try to gain control again by throwing both childlike and intellectual tantrums and creating drama and upset in the hope you’ll give in. Yet still you must stay very centred in Truth, and be continually unconditionally compassionate and fearless. If you do not react or engage with their ego at the level of ego, then eventually your partner will simply have to decide if they wish to have such a relationship or not, and if not it is their choice; you continue to be compassionate – your love is unconditional – and allow them to leave.
The possibility of your partner leaving is precisely the fear that makes individuals often buckle and give up on their dream of who they want to be and of having a truly loving and happy relationship. And yet then you return to a life led by the ego – one that you know will never give you the peace and joy that is around the corner if you simply choose it.
Ultimately you will be faced with the question: is anything more important than living a life of being true to my Heart and Soul, and could anything give me or my environment more happiness, love and peace that what would come out of that?
Love : Relationships : Respect : Spiritual Growth : Enlightenment :
Love : Relationships : Respect : Spiritual Growth : Enlightenment :
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